I am just the kind of man I want myself to be.
When I was 14, my parents asked me if I wanted to be a pilot, or a naval captain, I said “Nyeah, I really can’t figure it out yet.” They told me that it’s my chance to travel the world, earning money while at it. But I knew all I really wanted was a decent life. Perhaps that’s all that I ask from myself. I’m happy with how my life is, and how my life has been. I like how I get myself to relax with friends sometimes. To share beers and cigarettes, and shout in the empty streets at night, or lying on the floor singing songs at the top of our lungs, late night swimmings and grilled burgers. And of course, the gradual leisure in billiards, sports, and modern devices with some of them. In the future, I just want to get myself a nice place to stay where I could stare at the sky, drink coffee while raining, or stargaze to escort myself to sleep. And I shall get myself an empty bookshelf as well, so I could find myself spending time in bookstores, sitting on the floor while skimming a possible good book to fill up my empty shelf at home. Get myself a good television, and a nice and comfortable couch to slouch to while watching movies late at night. Probably get myself a simple car, so I could transport myself to places in instances I feel like wondering around. Playing an acoustic guitar at home doesn’t seem bad I guess, especially when served with an ice cold milk chocolate. I need a well composed kitchen too, and an awesome big fridge to fill up so I can finally cook myself anything I want. Maybe a bar, not extravagant, but just enough to entertain my friends coming over while they talk about their lives and the problems in it. I’ll buy myself a good skateboard, and a bike so I could fall down the streets a couple of times. I’ll get myself a beagle dog as well, that cute thing to teach fetching, sitting, and other things, and maybe a cat. And when I get a good and stable job, I’ll take my parents out on weekends to beaches and breezy places. See I’m not that much of an ambitious kind who would like to have the glamorous things in the world, or the adventurous where I’ll always have Paris like Humphrey Bogart’s Ingrid Bergman. I just like hitting the gym, buffing up, boxing, or maybe jogging at 3am in the morning. But often I like challenges. I loathe them when they come, but I like figuring them out. I like the thrill of answering my math exams, or being kicked out from school and getting myself back in, and heavy and tiring arguments and debates. I like things that chills me to the bones, not the kind of thing where they expect you to sit on a chair for a number of hours and learn something from a talkative old grunt. I like defying useless rules and ideals. So as you can see, my Id is my master. I’m all for myself at the moment. Where my near future’s goals and ideals are all towards for my only being’s wants. Perhaps behind my promiscuous relationships today, when I’m past my youth, I’ll let myself to meet a woman who’ll agree to name her daughter Gabrielle whose curly hair shines against the sun as that little kid learns to laugh and cry as she grows up. I’ll introduce to that woman these things, my been life, and she’ll introduce me to hers, before we start meeting our life together. From then on, I won’t plan my next future alone.
So I look back at that 14 year old me now, and I can still remember him wanting the same things. And probably without him, I wouldn’t be enjoying my life right now. And my past selves and I, we’re just formulas to give the future I the kind of life he would never not want. Til then, I’ll live my life today, the happy and content being that I’ve been.
